Pastor's Sex & Sales Scandal: Quotas, Overtime, Plan B | Monroe County Minutes
Two church-linked leaders face federal charges tied to a multistate ‘Salvation Sales’ scheme. Filings allege donation quotas, round-the-clock control, assaults, and directives to ensure women took Plan B. Defendants deny wrongdoing; all are presumed innocent.
The Heavenly KPI Arrives
In a disruptive pivot that industry analysts are calling “faith-based Comcast,” management allegedly rolled out a simple performance framework: hit your donation goal or discover new dimensions of corrective fellowship. Sources familiar with the operation (i.e., court documents and people with calendars) say workers were cycled through long shifts, housed dorm-style, and reminded that questioning leadership was a terrific way to earn more… fellowship.
Allegations At A Glance
- Quotas Above All: Fundraising targets allegedly rose faster than a televangelist’s voice during the key change.
- “Armor Bearer” On-Call Life: Staff were allegedly told when to sleep, where to serve, and how not to leave without permission.
- After-Hours Directives: Filings allege instructions to transport women to leadership and to ensure Plan B was taken after encounters.
- When “Pastoral Care” Looks Like HR: Workers who balked reportedly faced humiliation, physical assaults, or marathon shifts.
- Lifestyle Inflation: Prosecutors say the money moved; lifestyle choices followed. (Humility sold separately.)
Frequently Asked Ecclesiastical Questions
Q: Is a Sales Leaderboard normal for a church?
A: Only if the Beatitudes now include “Blessed are the closers, for they shall inherit the matching contributions.”
Q: What’s the dress code?
A: Headsets, quiet shoes, and the armor of God—billed to payroll.
Q: What if I don’t meet goal?
A: According to filings, you’ll get corrective prayer time with an exciting overtime component.
Field Guide To Corporate Faith™
- Mission Statement: “Transforming hearts, increasing carts.”
- Core Values: Obedience, generosity, plausible deniability.
- Benefits: Community, bunk beds, and a robust Plan B procurement workflow (alleged).
How To Tell If Your Church Is A Startup
- There’s a VP of Tithing Enablement.
- The exit doors are “vision-locked.”
- The quarterly all-hands happen at 2 a.m. and involve moving boxes labeled “DONATIONS.”
Editor’s note: This is satirical commentary based on recent news coverage and a federal indictment. All charges are allegations; defendants are presumed innocent until proven guilty.
